I  love this site.  Partly for the wares, partly for the funny.  See below.

NOTICE TO ALL WOOT EMPLOYEES

From: The Big Boss Man

Re: Today’s iPod Nano Sale

People, I’m extremely disappointed. I thought we were all on the same page. Answer me this: What is Woot? Who are we, as a company?

No, don’t actually answer, you soft-headed ninnies. It’s rhetorical. I’ll tell you who we are. We’re that site that sells the cheap junk. Right? At least that’s how I thought of us. And I and a lot of your colleagues have worked extremely hard for a long time to ensure that that’s what our customers thought of us, too.

But now I come back from a measly six-week getaway to my private island in the Bahamas and what do I find? We’re selling the latest iPod Nano? Seriously?

Not the second generation? Not an off-brand copycat mp3 player? What’s wrong with you all? You should have seen the fit I threw in the executive spa. Lotions and balms were flying everywhere. I’m pretty sure I cracked a couple 17th-Century Delftware tiles. You know how Poppa gets when he’s upset.

One of my personal assistants—the short one who wears the funky glasses, I forget names—finally calmed me down a little by assuring me that AT LEAST these Nanos are refurbished. But what meager comfort that is! I mean—Crom on a crutch, people, look at these things! They’re really nice.

They’ve got that “accelerometer” thing where you can shake ‘em to shuffle your music. They’ve got Cover Flow so you can browse your library by flipping through the album art. They play videos on a crisp and vivid two-inch widescreen display. How is this “crap?”

Look, I’m not totally dead-set against us offering a fancy, well-made, sought-after piece of consumer electronics once in a while. But the Woot way to handle a sale like that is to only offer one color (the ugliest one). Shorty McGlasses tells me we’re carrying this in ALL the new colors! WTF!?

It’s too late to fix it now, but I want everyone who helped set up this eight-gig fourth-generation iPod Nano deal to know that I’m peeved. This is going to undo a lot of the brand identity we’ve carefully and deliberately cultivated over the years. We’re going to have to work double-hard to make up for it, so I had better see some MUCH crummier merch on the site in coming days. I’m talking Ab-Tilts, Leak Frogs, pole dancers that you plug into your USB ports, like that. Real Island-of-Misfit-Electronics stuff.

And the next time you people offer a great item like this, there will be HELL TO PAY. I swear I’ll move the corporate headquarters to my Bahamian island, declare it the sovereign nation of Wootopia, install myself as Supreme Leader, and institute the guillotine as punishment for treason against the brand. I MEAN IT.

Sincerely,
The Big Boss

P.S. Marcia in HR is celebrating her birthday today. We’re all gathering in the upstairs break room for cupcakes and well-wishes at 2:45. Join us!

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